My Dear Fellow Stags,
I wasn't able to
share my story during the last day of the reunion, but I guess it's
never too late to lay bare one's life especially to friends who are and
will be, friends for life. To say that my feelings about attending the
reunion was ambivalent is an understatement. This ambivalence has been
there since our 25th silver anniversary reunion. It stems
from a persistent feeling that I wasn't good enough to attend both
reunions because I have not succeeded enough. I had dreams when I was
in high school which I believe I have never or will ever reach. I have
found myself wanting. I have judged myself, to say the least, a
failure.
Whether this
feeling finds basis in real life doesn't matter. I have had and
continue to have my fair share of small successes but to me these are
miniscule and much below par to what I have imagined myself to
achieving.
Thus I have
vacillated from attending and not attending, evident in the long
silences in my emails and expressions of enthusiasm for the event.
There were days when I felt I would never show myself to the Stags and
days when I felt overjoyed at receiving news about the groundswell for
the upcoming reunion.
But in the end, the
better person in me prevailed. One morning I woke up and realized that
all these feelings of falling short were feelings of insecurity and
immaturity. I gathered the strength to text Chito that I was attending
as well as hosting brunch. A feeling of peace and tranquility began to
seep thru me. Replacing all the feelings of self-doubt that had been
there for so long.
And so it was, as the song that I played first during the reunion goes- a bright sun-shiny day!
But not for long
and through-out. By dinner-time, another but related feeling began to
bother me. I know I had wreaked havoc on many occassions when I got
myself persuaded by the 'spirit of the glass'. And I jostled with
myself to stay or not and wreak havoc again.
I decided to leave
instead - for the meantime. For this I apologize to my fellow Stags for
leaving in haste and not being there for the second day and the
sharing.
But I say 'leave for the meantime' because I believe even now in my firm resolve to be there the whole class reunion come our 40th.
To paraphrase Armstrong – small steps are needed by man to find the giant in him and take his leap of faith to rejoin humankind.
See you my friends!
Bob Peralta
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